if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
