Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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