I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
