Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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