i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
