I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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