good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
