I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
