There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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