Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon