You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
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She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.