mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
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there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
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She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.