Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
mondays should just be called national damage control day
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
