ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
