I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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