I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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