why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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