you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
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Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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