No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well I just put wine in my tea
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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