Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
