I wish my penis had an off switch
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
