my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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