did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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