Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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