Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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