how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
