I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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