she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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