I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
