can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think my mom watched the whole time
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
