I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
