when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
