wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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