my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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