also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Someone came in the potted fern
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
