I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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