dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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