In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
