Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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