saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
