I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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