it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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