So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
