He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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