you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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