A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Randomize
