walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
