i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
