My hand turned me down
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
