im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
