he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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