I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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