your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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