she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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