I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
