how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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