First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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