I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
