I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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