Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize